Plenty of Times

There’s been plenty of times where I had to tell the truth or lie.

But the hardest time was when I lied to my grandpa about being sober, no doubt he could smell the Fireball on my breath, but all he did was sit back and ask, “Why?”

The hardest part was when I had to sit back and let out everything. At the end I said “Grandpa, I can’t do this on my own. The alcohol means too much to me, and sometimes I can even get it for free.”

The look in his eyes told me I had broken his heart, but at this time, it didn’t matter to me.

I was already way too free.

I never knew my drinking would get this bad.

I was only 16 years old, everyone was against me.  I thought, “This world is just really sad.”

I’d be gone for weeks at a time, drinking away my days.

My grandpa would call me, try to save me, but all I could say was, “Don’t worry grandpa, this is all just a phase.”

I knew I had let him down, hurting him, pushing him away, but I was lost in a world of addiction, I had nothing left in me to say.

June 9th, he got a phone call and they said, “Sir, we need you to come to St. Joseph’s.”

They told him I was found at the beach, barely alive.

The look in his eyes made me feel awful, it even made me cry.

He thought for sure, his little girl would die.

It’s been a month since that day,

But nothing seems like it’ll ever be okay.


May 23rd 1999    

was the day I met my best friend.

He held me so fragile, never

wanting to let me go. He’d push

me to do my best, and tell me I was

more than enough. Depression kicked

in at age 12, even in a crowded room,

I’d still feel so alone.


Age 13 I told him no matter how many

pills I took, I didn’t feel happy. He had

told me there was no such thing as a “happy

pill.” What he never understood was that

he was my happy pill.


Around him I felt nothing but love, confidence

and excitement. His small laugh as he exhaled cigar

smoke and would shoot me that fake teeth smile

as he rocked his right foot up and down. The littlest things

he’d do would change my mood in 5 seconds.

He was, and always will be, my happy pill.


Things I’ve learned About Myself

She tests people.

He understands her.

She pushes everyone away.

He tries to pull her close.

She’s lost in a sea of addiction.

He swims to rescue her.

She slips into a world of regret.

He fights to win back the girl he’d once known.

She feels nothing but guilt.

He does all he can to reassure her she’s more than enough.

She’s losing the battle within herself.

He fights with all his strength to help her win.

She finally surrenders.

He takes her hand.

This time, she doesn’t ever let go.